"authority can be so... *makes armpit noises*"

For my own well being, I try to journal daily. hopefullly to reduce the amount I feel like complaining to others, and maybe even bring some peace to my life

this is a great place to record everything memorable that happens

maybe this'll bring some happiness to you. you aren't alone


Today was a rather so-so day I guess. I've been staying up all night, ordering pad thai, and sleeping till noon. However this time without a boo. tuff, huh? My chest has been hurting so bad and I dont know why, my stomach too. It hurts like Im hungry but even when Im full it stays. I went shopping fo my dads birthday, I bought him tea, and shirts from the place he always shops at. I got him whiskey glasses too. I still want to get him a cool cribbage board but thats for another time. I spent $90, and bruh I felt that. I really don't get payed enough. I've been so bored lately, I really need to get outside. Maybe I'll start biking again or go play tennis before I leave early tomorrow morning. Im considering getting bangs, I just pray I dont regret it. Everyone in 90s anime has bangs and layers so I might be needing to cut a little bit of that! Otherwise just basking in denial and litsening to sad Frank Sinatra music. I really am a fool to want you


Every morning I wake up and it's a whole new day. I stayed in bed most of the day, ordered pizza and had Arnold Plamers while watching youtube. All my plans to go with my Dad and to play tennis were cancelled. Cavin fever is building. I'll get out of the house tomorrow. I'll go biking early tomorrow morning, have a nice shower when I get home, get dressed and do my makeup, then leave and go up north. I still have to talk to Heidi about my doctors appointment. I hope I don't have melanoma. Piched nerves and stomach uclers are enough anyways. Pray I can wake up early enough to do all that early in the morning so I can go to my Dad's at 3. I'm excited to see my puppy but he told me Rusrty is gone today. The idea that Granna is ever coming back is a fucking fever dream and he knows it. I'll miss Rusty a lot but it's better for him. I need to be less selfish.


I've spent most of the day in my room- or more specifically my bed. The air conditioner broke and its been to hot to be on the first floor. I'm so excited to return to some sort of traditional structure tomorrow. I hate it here. The only good parts are the food and my dog. I hate being away from my real family and near these cases. Near each and every one of them deserve to be where straight jackets are dress code. I know they are all good people in their hearts but I wish they could show their intentions in a less chaotic manner. It's all screaming and drama- but you can't expect much else from Italians sksksks. My Granna doesn't deserve all the pain she has suffered- I hope my God will be merciful with her. In other news, I might be moving. I wasnt white covers and a canope bed, and LV sheets to surrond the bed with. I've been healing well, but I'm not there yet. It just drags on and on but music helps. I need to remember that every day it gets better and he won't matter when I'm older and actually happy. Nobody can touch me if I know I'm the one who got away. I've always been the heartbreaker and I just need to tell myself I still am.


Maybe I was busy? Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was and still am falling down and endless spiral of the what could have beens? Who's to say I wasn't just training really hard? Whatever. Who's to say that I'm still hung up over him? Anyways, we have a bunch to talk about huh? I've done a lot of growing up. The tennis season just finished, you know. I worked really hard but I lost a whole bunch. I'm getting burn out so I've been kind of taking a step back. School has been going on for almost a month now too. I've been keeping organized and learning a lot. Meeting a lot of new people and making a couple new friends. Also losing some. I feel older- more mature. Today I was going through my old photos and I am a totally new person than I was a year ago. A totally new person than I was when I was writing these last diary entries. What else? It's fall now. I love the Autumn season. I was telling a teacher about 'The Halloween Tree' and how much I loved it when I was a little kid. Still love it. I love 'Monster House' too. Im so excited to carve pumpkins and go to the Little Farmer.


I'm stressed. It's seems like I have to sit through everything twice. An ad after the 1st and before the 2nd song. The first time I made my bracelet it broke, so I had to make it again. Actually, I let the beads slip off so I remade it three times. It took me an hour to make them plus the extra thirty minutes it took to find the letters to spell "EXODUS" in red and purple. Whatever. I'm annoyed by everything. I hate not having plans. I have nothing to do but sit around and feel worthless. I hate when people cancel plans more than anything. I was so excited. We were going to go to the movies, go dress shopping, and then get dinner. She had to work. Her managers are terrible. Hopefully we can go to homecoming. Everyone in this house pisses me off. I hate how loud they all are. Would it hurt not to vaccum at 7:45am on a Sunday morning? I get one day a week to sleep. But God forbid a pin drop when she lays down. These earbuds are annoying. I hate not having money. Im getting a job soon. I cant have an iPhone. Can have earbuds that have more than one working out of the pair. Can't have the things I put down on the shopping list and then have to litsen to the complaining when I ask to eat out becuse there's nothing here. Can't have some fucking peace and quiet. A moment without the garage door opening or someone sneezing as loud as they can would be nice. Normally I'd say something about how much this moment would call for a slash along my neck but I've decided I'm going to overcome this bullshit. I'd love nothing more than to just get up and leave; never come back but that doesn't sting as much as watching me run laps around these bastards while they claw at my feet trying to bring me down while they wonder how I did it. I'll get a better job soon. Save up. Get an apartment, a dog. My own everything. Soon enough.


feeling better, feenin better! School went smoothly, everything went fast. I have an eye appointment soon so hopefully I'll get some glasses. I just came home from playing tennis and I really was having trouble with depth perception. I didn't play that well but it was fun to get out there. I'm not sure if I'm ready to come back to it quite yet but maybe it's because I wasn't at the courts in my high school. My feet hurt but it's the good kind of pain. It threw me off my schedule a bit because the seasons over but I had barely any homework tonight so I'm good to waste a little time. I also had a chriropractor appointment today, I gotta start working on my posture. I've already arranged to get a yoga mat so hopefully that will help with my back and neck pain. Nothing really to report. Had Kriss Kross' "Jump" in my head all day, ha. Anyways. Just pretty boring over all but good. My brother and I are talking again so that's good. I'm excited to go to my concert on the 13th with him. Hopefully we can stay on good terms so we can go to The Little Farmer, and the tour of our local musuem. "And hey, ayo, we made it: Thanksgivin. So hey, maybe we can make it to Christmas"


I woke up late. I accidently dismissed my alarm, instead of snoozing it. I had an potomotrist appointment at 8, and I got a perfect score, but it took a lot of work. It wasn;t easy, I was struggling to answer the questions. I dont think they accounted for that. Whatever. I had to get my eyes dialated which kinda sucked. They did eyedrops and I was flinching. They also have this tool that gets really close to your eye and I didn't know it so it flinched and hit me. I came home after I had breakfast afterwards. It was a good breakfast but it didn;t stop me from having food after too. I wasn't even hungry, just bored. I didn;t go back to school because I couldn;t see anything so I stayed home and did nothing. My Mom is coming over soon and we're gonna watch Netflix. Hopefully it'll be fun. Also, my bracelet broke. The universe will not let me have this. I read dream dictionary and both of the things were telling me to "let go of my past" and the bracelet is a reminder of past, sure. But I can't have one daydream? Can't I at least pretend he's still here? Nothing else makes me as happy as those memories.


Litsening to "The King" by Conan Gray and not understanding how I feel about most things. Why am I like two people? Sometimes I feel so sure about everything and could never imagine being anything but precise. One half of me is the "I dont care, expell me", I dont need anyone, I'm the heartbreaker, delinquient. But sometimes I'm the Hello Kitty loving sweetheart that just wants to be held and make you waffles in the morning before I kiss you goodbye for work. What the hell? You know I;ve been going through a waffle phase? I just have this image in my head of a restaurant game I used to have and the clipart for waffles being mad appetizing. I re-downloaded it just for the nostolgia and am now asking for a waffel maker for my birthday. Half of me wawnts to get wifed up ndd just make waffles till they bust out the damn ceiling. But then I think "nah you're a bad bitch you gon live by your own self nd serve nobody.". This is such a "I have nothing else to complain about problem". Whatever. Identity is important. It sucks not knowing who you are. I think I'm the wifey and I wantthe delinquent? I'm influenced by so many people. My Grandmothers and Great Grandmothers that dutifully and gracefully tiptoed around the house and cooked and cleaned. The suburban junkie misfits of my city. The confident raunchy rappers of the media. I look up to everyone and I'm left being a lil bit of everything.Whateva


I sat around most of the day but I'm not complaining. Getting my rest because tomorrow is going to be busy. I have to babysit in the morning and then go to Milwaukee at night. Get lunch hopefully in the afternoon. I got up at 9, had a cinnamon roll, watched some Youtube, brushed my teeth and got changed aroun 11. Had dinner about 5, steak and cream corn. Not the best thing for me but I don't get meals real often. We went to visit my grandma at 6 but left around 6:10 because she was tired from chemo. I told my brother about what was on TV because we wen't over to watch her show with her. I came home and watched Coraline and added it to my Letterboxd. Went downstairs and brushed my teeth. Now I'm writing this. My nect hurts. I talked to a friend who has been pretty absent lately. What else is there really? Just R&R. I wish I remembered my dream. Oh! And I wanna watch Yu*Yu*Hakusho again but I just watched it in late July. Damn! I think aroundmy birthday I'll watch it again. It's just too soon and I'll remember too much. One more thing! I forgot to mention I watched Monster House last night! One of my favoritemovies of all time. I used to watch it as a little kid. Dan Harmon said he thought it was dumb because he didn't even finish writing it before the producers took it from him and changed his idea but honestly I think it's perfect. So well timed and nostalgic. My favorite parts are:

"If those are the teeth, and that's the tongue, than that must be the uvula."

"Oh, so it's a girl house"

"What? No, it stimulates the gag reflex. Everyone has a uvula"

"Not me"


"I payed $28 for that ball! I had to rake 10 lawns and ask my Mom for a dollar 26 times!"


"Authority can be so...*makes armpit noises*".


And of course:

"Fascinating, isn't it? Just sits there... waiting. Mocking us with it's...houseness."


"It's not a good party unless someone ends up on the floor". I guess so. Except I'm always the one passed out on the ground. I've been feeling kind of. What's the word? Lately. Like sit down in the shower and sob kind of feeling. So let me catch you up! I think I got sick around the 13th? In the last week the amount of hot tea and lemon drops I've had it crazy. Not even lemon drops- I wanted them, but she brought home lemon heads instead. Whatever. I went to school the whole week and dressed up all five days. Homecoming week is fun. Got a lot of good pictures. We went out to eat and then stayed until 11. I did some regretable things and kinda landed myself in an uncomfortable position now. So hopefully that'll sort itself out soon enough. I'm probably just overthinking though because I have not gotten ONE goodmorning text. He didn't text me all day yesterday, even though I was home sick all day. I hate purgatory. I'd LOVE to be in a relationship but I get close and I dip. Still not over him but we tryin!

Aaaaanyways. My "brother" mad at me but he'll get over it. It's pretty hard to tear us apart. And my real brother going through it. It's hard to be friends with someone always seconds away from snapping your neck. I read some glorified diary entries that get increasingly more personal. In fact that's what literally sent me into my spiral of hopelessness and feeling disgusting. Yesterday I took a test to see how evil I am and my entitlement was like 0. I feel like I'm always letting someone down. I had to let a teacher down today, I told her I'd bring in a movie and I couldn't for reasons we don't have to get into. My whole life is like that vine from Arthur, where Muffy's friend tells her she has a mushroom on she shirt, and so she looks down and exclaims "Oh no! I'm a failure!" because same. I cried for the first time in months the day before homecoming because I couldn't afford new shoes and I don't own dress shoes. I had to get my dress from school. I was immature and snapped at my mother for it, because she was freaking out I was wasting her time, going to every fucking store on the face of the planet looking for shoes at a cheap price. I think she wanted to get back to the baby she likes. Whatever. I think everyone is trying to get back to somewhere. At least the next night would be good but like I said I regret it now! But I meant what I said: It's not a good party unless someone ends up on the floor. But every day this intuiton it's all going to lead up to something grows. Maybe, maybe not. The feeling says yes but my brain goes "Who would want you?". But my intuition doesn't lie. I'd type more but I think you're done litsening. Please read back on this and tell me you're laughing.


I actually went to school today. That makes 2 out of 4 days, because tomorrow we have no school. I got a big hug from a friend right away in the morning. I had to take 2 tests but I think I did pretty well in science because I studied a lot and in world cultures i already know I got a 35/37 makig a 96 average. I really like my honors teacher but I feel like I annoy her by having one personality trait which is liking halloween movies. Otherwise pretty boring, so I;m just glad its over. I got home, had a salad, and waited for my mom to get me so she could take me to get my hair done. She'd been promising me this for a while. She makes a lot of those, I should really know better than to get my hopes up. By the time she got over here it was 5, and no place would do my highlights that late because it takes hours. She got over here late because my brother got home late. I guess she did;t mention it to him so the bastard took his sweet time. I hate these fucking people. I wish I didn't live here. Everything is always so difficult. I never get a thing I want. I don;t get my highlits, can't decorate my room how I want, the teacher I like must be really annoyed with me but is too polite to tell me, I'm scared there's something in my house all the time, I hate what the scale says, my grandma called the wrong school to let them know I wasn't going to be there, my mother didn't know the name of my friend I had been talking about for weeks, I can't remember my dreams, and this is a run on sentence. AND there's popping in my jaw. When I got home I cleaned, took a shower, ate some more, read a little, finished a podcast I started earlier, and FINALLY watched The Halloween Tree. I should've waited for Halloween but I just couldn't help myself. I was sad I wouldn't be able to watch it because I couldn't get it from the library and my VHS player doesn't work. I wasn't going to play Youtube for it and it wasn't on Netflix or Hulu but I got it bootleg. I cried. And what?


"What do you think about.. you know? Not watching Monster House every 2 weeks?" -preeeetty much everyone

"Hmm okay well that's definetly a concept."

AND WHILE THEY MAY HAVE REASON TO BE CONCERNED I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT! Today was a busy day! I tried to sleep in but my mother told me I WAS in fact getting my hair done. It looks crazy but appearantly it will fade. I'm about to take a hot shower so hopefully the blonde will become more of a warmer tone. I got home, had some Culver's, and went to babysit. The kids were fine. Not memorable, it's whatever. The REAL star of my day was watching my favorite movie again! Halloween isn't Halloween without living vicariously through some 11 year old boys without supervision. I JUST got this vision of being in my cousins basement while playing some RockStar Xbox game and the title screen played AllStar by SmashMouth. I really wish I would've had more moments like that. Of being at someone else's house and goofing off as kids? Ugh. Now 'm sitting in my bed alone. I'll probably be alone tomorrow unless I can find plans for tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to re-organize my website and am stressed about how to do it. I dont want my dash to be too cluttered but I have to find some way to spereate all these entries. I dreamed last night and wrote some of it down but my computer got rid of it when i closed it. I would;ve actually written it on the dream tabs of my website but god bless America, I didn't know I had somewhere to be. Might get my ears pierced or something, I don't know. Watch Monster House again? Remind me to draw a picture for Honors and do my Algebra homework. Also I realized while watching it my two favorite throwback movies havr characters named Jenny? Their both Halloween movies and their both the "smart + girly" trope? I love Jenny in those movies and I love the Jenny I know in real life. IF you have a Jenny: CHERISH HER!


I didn't have plans today, so I stayed home all day. I got up around 9:30, ate a bunch of Kit-Kats, cleaned my room and relaxed. I carved a pummpkin while listening to Halloween music and talking with my grandmother. I carved it like Pipkin's pumpkin in Halloween Tree because I AM that girl. I got really sick in the middle of the day, I thought I was going to throw-up and my right shoulder hurt really bad. I took a shower, had some hot tea, and put on a hot compress. I just got done doing my hair because the lady did too much blonde in the fron the other day so I just added some box dye back in and I'm very happy with the results. I feel like I'm not thankful enough. My hair was kinda expensive. I didn't say enough thank yous.


I finally got to sleep in! I woke up at 10:34 am, and stayed in bed for maybe another hour. I got up, cleaned, and had a salad and 2 cookies with water for lunch. I did homework around the time when my brother got home. It was kind of a lot, maybe 2 hours worth. One algebra lesson, a worksheet on bohr models, and finished both a map and skeleton notes on Europe for World Cultures. I still have to draw a picture for Honors English but maybe I can get poster paper we used for our past assignment to do that on. I went over to my Mother's house for dinner, and once I got home I had a shower, did a little skin care, and put my hair in twists. I was feeling really fat earlier and said I wasn't going to eat until dinner tomorrow but now I want food again. Why am I so hungry all the time.Should I go to the doctor? It's like my appetite is uncontrolable, so much more than the average person. I hate not having control but I just can't do anything about it. I don't know if theres anything I can do. UPDATE just eat more protein and fiber pretty much. Also reduce stress and get more sleep. Uhh OK sweety. Do you think people choose stress fatigue and terrible diet? I'd love to be well rested and care free as much as the next bitch but the last time I was without weight on my shoulders was the Bush administration. I'll have Cherios or something in the mornings I guess.


A lot has happened! According to my snap memories, on the 28th I had A's in 5 classes. Today I have A's in 3. On the 29th I was having a good time talking to my friends. On the 30th I had recorded my friend making a gagging sound? I also had difficulty saying 995,000 in english, and I killed a spider. On the 31st Kayla took a picture. She is my lock screen. I also got an invitation to my tennis banquet that day. I was left on delivered a bunch. I handed out candy, and, suprise suprise, watched Monster House. I also talked to a friend for an hour or so. On November 1st I took a picture of my dog. I also had a sleep over with a friend. On the 2nd I had a quiet night in and litsened to Mariah Carey while I did homework. Then the 2nd I bought gifts for Kayla because she had a surgery Friday. The 3rd I had a good morning because I was laughing at a meme right away when I got up. The 4th I was snapping a lot with Kayla. Today I got a couple freckles removed. They have been sent off to test if they are cancerous or not. I'm not worried. We watched a video in class so the schedule was a bit wonky. I was in a good mood, I got to spend lunch with Kayla and Katie. I had lunch before I came back too. Now we're caught up.


Here we go! According to my snap memories, on the 6th my arms really hurt. I curled my hair in the morning on the 7th. That day was really good. I have a lot of videos so it must've meant I was rather extraverted. That night I saw the play. It was so good. I saw it again on the 9th but Kayla went home sick. But we at least got to have dinner together. I sat across from Katie's stepmom and my god was she gorgeous. Not supermodel gorgeous. Just attainably pretty. Like an very symetrical average pretty. I can't explain it, just a non convention beauty. I' told she's rather unlikable but I just couldn't overlook how much of an, almost, 'better version of me' she is. We don't look that similar. Brown hair blue eyes. The 9th I went shopping. The 10th I got my coat. I took a bath and watched Golden Girls. Today was veterans day and a teacher snapped at me. I'm having a lot of trouble with, how do I word this. Not killing myself every moment of every day? Jesus. I just hate where I am right now. It's mostly my hair. I dont like it. It's so dry and frizzy, and the color is distracting and doesn't look as good as it did before the blonde. The issue is most;y the streaks in the front. It just doesn't suit me. My eyelashes are so short and are falling out. My teeth are yellow. Im fat as a fucking whale and I can't dress for shit. I get dress coded everyday I try to look cute and when I'm not I look more of a bum than I already am. I can't fucking stand to look in the mirror anymore. Not much brings me joy but the things that I can't do for long. Animal Crossing, YouTube, a Bath. {I stopped writing here. Not sure for what}


Im really too hungry too tired too sad to do this right now but just understand Im struggling right now. Missed my tennis banquet. Didn't do very much homework because I had no time. I had to be around people I don't like. I cried. I never cry. I'll probably cry tomorrow. It's early release so I'll have less work and more time to work. WORK WORK WORK I AM MACHINE I AM AMBOT 2000 I AM AT YOUR SERVICE I HAVE NO PERSONAlITY ONLY WORK


Too bad I used to feel like that huh? Too bad I still do. I'm drowning but I've been so obsessed with Yu Yu Hakusho that its alright. It's my favorite show but it sucks when I cant watch it. Spending a lot of time with people I love. A lot of time with people I havent. Im trying to get re-nspired but hoenstly I really dont want to fucking do this.